distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
