I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
