probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
