There is no way he is gay with that hair.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
