She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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