I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
