I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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