dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
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