He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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