I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Well I just put wine in my tea
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Randomize
