i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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