i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
i drank out of a bidet.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
