textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
