Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
MIDGETS
????
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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