I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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