Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
