before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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