Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
