When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
