In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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