whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
