Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
