i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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