Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
