Can i not drive my cunt home
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
