So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
