She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
