I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
