what day is it and did you see me today?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
All I want is dick and wine.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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