apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
