She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
