They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
