And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
there is glitter all over my balls
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
