3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
