I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
