My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
