I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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