Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
