I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
