Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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