I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
you made out with another girl for some wings
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
