i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
