Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
