What did I eat last night that was bloody?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
