remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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