Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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