When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
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