there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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