why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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