And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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