I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
