watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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